Once Again

Well I'm in this place of WTF happened again. I love my kids truly I do. But I also love sleeping late and the fact that my kids are potty trained and can communicate without crying. Well guess what I'm having baby number 3. I almost laugh as I'm typing I don't know how I'm going to go back to diapers and daycare that's like $600 a month. Tommy is thrilled and can't wait. I wonder is that because he's not going to gain any dame weight or maybe the fact that he's not gonna feel one fucking contraction. I'm maybe 3months and I can't sleep in my bed instead I put a mattress on the floor and find some sort of comfort...Yes i said the floor  and I feel like I just got off a roller coaster every other hour. When I put my feelings of pregnant crazy lady aside hormones and all I can remember the sweet smell of baby breathe opposed to the funk of a 6 and 12 yrs olds. I can remember the baby talk the cooing and the feeling that having them was the right one.Those 1st baby pictures and the special first of everything.Keep in mind I had my first son 1 month after I turned 21 and i feel like I was all of twelve. Now I'm more like 33 and I feel way to old to be having babies. Abortions are a thing of the past and this time around I had to involve someone else in my decision process to have this baby. After lots of fighting and crying and soul searching I'm on board, still sick as a dog and praying for a good day. Just one goodnight of sleep or enough energy to clean the house in one swoop instead of a two day project. All I need is one good day maybe that will help me gain some much needed momentum.

Different how????

Things are different now. Our topic  of conversation, the tones in which we speak to one another, the way we touch one another, hell the way we fight. I guess I’ve matured a lot, no scratch that I have. I realize he’s not superman and yes he does and will make mistakes. I think years ago I left no room for error so at any given moment if I felt like something wasn’t to my liking I was off to my mother’s house. Not fairytale wonderful or over the moon stuff. Just some of that good good. (Seriously) I’m not into painting fake ass pictures. I’m guilty of being too honest but anyway. I’m just reflecting and I’m thrilled at the growth that’s taken place. There was a time where if he wasn’t paying attention to me or if he was talking shit I’d take whatever he was eating and throw it right out the window. Crazy right but in all honesty I was a wired one. There were days when he would try to jump out the car while I was at a stop sign because I was getting on his nerves so bad, and I would then beg him to get back into the car so I could continue my shit talking session. Just so I’m not the only one sounding crazy during our breakups he used to come by my house and try to fight anybody I happended to be spending a little time with. This was before marriage I guess he knew I was his before I did. He used to avoid arguments or confrontations during the day but around 2am in the morning he wanted to address a couple of things. Those were the days when I thought I was gonna have to 302 his ass. Who wants to talk about anything at 2 in the morning? Needless to say I always lost those battles because I was to tired and to pissed to really go deep on him the way I would have had this been a conversation that took place during normal fighting hours. Now when I talk (No more wining for me) he listens even if he doesn’t care or agree he knows that just appearing to give a dame means something to me. When we fight I only curse ½ as much as I used to and he doesn’t jump out the car anymore. No more 2am sessions we deal with issues as they arise. We learned that things left alone and not dealt with can become cancerous and be the death of our marriage.  Not leaps and bounds but I’m ok with the crawl as long as we are crawling forward

This Boy of Mine

He's only 11 and with a Gods grace he'll make to be an adult.These last couple of weeks have been very trying for me. My oldest has always been well mannered and always ontop of his game. But things are falling apart piece by piece. He has three detentions this week 1 for not doing his homework in more than one class.2nd was for not following school policies 3rd was for throwing a test in the trash becasue he didn't agree with his teacher checkin him for his bad behavior. I'm not the kinda Mom who lets things slip so needless to say he's been getting his ass tore up for the last couple of weeks and spending lots of time in his room. He's not the kind of kid you can take away his phone or games and he'll be sad. He's the kid who will entertain himself with a blank piece of paper in the dark. I laugh now but its not easy to steal his joy..except for the belt on his butt. The last incident was a mind blower. His teacher called the house and told me he wrote a story about a pervert snatching a little girl and doing bad things. I thought I was going to fall through the dame floor. What else had he written? Was he crazy? What does she think of me? Then I thought about Law and Order SVU and that dame Elliot and Olivia and not to mention my favorite Criminal Minds.. DAME DAME DAME. What have I done I love these shows and my oldest watches them with me. I'm feeling like a real bumb ass Mom. So I go to the school and pick up a copy of the story so I can see for myself. It was bad dont get me wrong but she made it seem much worse. I read it over and over again. The story talked about the cops catching the pervert by tracking down his license plate and how he hurt over 30 women and the police didn't want to release the information to the media. They want my son to see a couselor. I know this story was wayyyyy innapropriate but I was still missing something. So on my fourth time reading his story. I read the directions at the top which clearly states that this stroy needs to be based on YOUR daily life..WTF no wonder they want him to have a counselor.They think this story is about HIS life..now I'm smoking. I'm embarrised beyond belief he claims he didnt read the directions. he just started writing a story. I don't wanna believe him but I did the same thing alost 4 times and I'm a grown woman. I decided to document all the drama this boy puts me through so when he gets his stuff together and grows up to be a very successful man. I can read these wacked out entries and laugh. Tomorrow I get to explain to the couselor why I let my 11 yr old watch Law and Order SVU..dame..dame..dame..maybe I'll e-mail her

Gifted People Only

I can appreciate real God given talents. An acquired skill is something you can recognize from afar but a gift that somebody is born with it's undeniable.  I've heard people sing I've seen art come to life from a plain canvas. I've read stories that made me feel like I was there. I've watched people perform and some actually belong in the spotlight so that there gifts can be shared with the world. Sadly what I'm witnessing is the complete opposite. It seems like the world lives and thrives off the unauthenticated talent overnight born babies. While those with the true gifts and passion for there crafts aren't given the time of day. People see your talent and want to exploit you. My husband has the gift I'm talking about he does computer animation and graphic design and he does it with a passion and constantly upgrading his skills to stay on top of his game. But for some reason when people know what he can do they are blown away but in the same breath want to make up payment plans and barter deals. Talk about being robbed. How can you see great work and expect so little to be charged. It's a painful thing to watch and this isn't all the time but when it does happen it blows my mind. The work he puts out is really great and the lack of acknowlendgment by the world sometimes gets me reved up. So to all you poets/writers/singers/real gift people stay encouraged and know that sometimes your gift may go unnoticed by the world  but  you know what burns inside of you....It's called a God giving talent

Seven Years and Counting

Sometime you get a moment of pure happy not half and half, no fakeness, just real happy. I had some today no big money spent just real quality time without the fighting and fussing. We have our moments but at the end of the day I know we both want the same end result. Happy. Sometimes in the midst of bills and kids acting a fool we lose the happy and it gets replaced by door slamming and hurt feelings. I know that its never a time I cant talk to him, and most of the time I cant talk if I'm really made I need the cool down period. Which he gives me now and its makes all the difference in the world. The older we grow together the more we know how to handle each other. It was definitely an learned thing. I laugh when I think about how crazy we both were a couple years back. Married by law but acting the complete opposite but we made it through and on Monday we celebrated seven yrs of marriage. It may not seem long to others but for us its a major accomplishment because we are both in a place that we both would have never believed because of the pain and let down we put each other through. We knew our limits and we surely pushed them to the max. I'm better today then I was last year. I'm secure not worried about what he's doing or where he's going. I'm good and it's been awhile but I'm here now and I have no plans on returning to the unhappy insecure place. I know real when I have it ...not perfect..not storybook but real and I'm good with that.

Her n Him

He thinks she doesn’t know how rough things are but he’s wrong she can see thru hurt and disappointment that he has inside. She’s not a mind reader but can see that he’s neither who he once was nor the person he wanted to be. How and why did he end up there? He’s taking his family through hell and back because of his short comings. They were there to help and support him but somewhere along the way he saw them as a threat. That killed her motivation. Dam she tried and tried and Tried some more only to hear more of his complaining about shit the never mattered but know u want to have family meetings about who ate the last slice of bread. Why didn’t they talk about goals and how they can get back on track to a 2 income household? She’s fed up tired of jobs that are great for 1 year and then 6 months unemployed. Why can’t he stay at that job SO what he don’t like the boss or the atmosphere...Shit she HATE her job but that’s why she’s going to school whenever she can squeeze a couple hours out a week. She knows this thing aint easy but it might be more manageable if he realized who was on his side and not out to kill em. She’s good but like all canned goods she’s come with an expiration date and sometimes she feels like she’s about to spoil or kill something. What happened to them or is this just one of those things.

2010

I wanna say this year will be different but will it really. I don't believe in the fake resolutions I believe that if u dont bust ya ass for what u want u will never get it. Maybe thats why I'm still renting instead of owning thats probably why I'm still figuring out what makes me happy and who needs to be deleted from my life and who deserves to remain. I had big dreams and hell even high hopes but somewhere along the way shit got blurry and it felt like my ass was in quick sand. Im crackin up because thats exactly what it feels like. I never stop moving, my speed however goes from 8 to 80 and I wonder why I don't have all that I want. It can't be because I don't deserve it cause I do. I've stood up and by certain people who probably didn't have a clue that I was just trying to keep them from falling into that space of dame why didn't I listen. It hurts when u see people you care about not doing a dame thing to better themselves. Sometimes I feel like I can't say a dame thing because I'm not where I wanna be. But I think the idea is that u just keep movin and eventually you'll get where u need to be. I'm tryin to be more consistent and this change started back in 09 and had nothing to do with New Years.

2 sides

Sometimes the fire that burns inside me is like a raging inferno but others I'm content not doing a dame thing and could care less about 2mrw. What happened why from one extreme to the next makes a girl wonder. Sometime I wanna be super wifey cook clean and tryin to meet his every need and then other times I feel like get it ya dame self. Sometime I wanna ripe his clothes off and get a quickie and other times the thought seems like work itself. I hope I'm not alone in this world of far left then switch back to the right. Sometime I want to be around my kids all the time reading books playing and planning there future( so I think) we all laugh about it. Then other time I want complete silence and they better not knock on my door one more dame time. Is it a womans conflicted thingor just another angle to being honest with myself. How can I expect somebody to know what I want when its forever changing. Well I guess they better just pay close attention and get in where u might fit for that day. Crazy maybe but 100% me. Take it or leave it and my man decided to take it I have moments of gratefulness then moments when I could care less. Sometimes I wanna eat healthy grilled salmon spinach salad and lemon water and the next I want a big bueford chicken form checker and a big greasy ass fry topped off with a LG diet coke. I crack myself up . Well that a peek into the sides of me.take it or leave it

COME on PEOPLE

I've come to the conclusion that its easier to tell the truth. I guess lying is a true art form lets face it u have to keep track of who u told what to and keep the stories straight. The mere thought of the dumbness just cracks me up when I think about people and all the manipulation that goes on and most of the time it's obvious as hell. Most of us aren't that exciting and I'm OK with that but enough already b who God says u are and that's more than enough. Trust me when I tell u most people can tell when u lie but they're to embarrassed for u to call u on it. Good nite folks be honest DAME

Not Yet

I didn't get into the nursing program I wanted and did that hurt so dang on bad. I cried and cried for what seemed like hours. Eventually I got it together and started thinking about the reason I didn't get in was it my science GPA or the placement testing where the hell did ya girl drop the ball. So I called the school and asked and she told me that I should apply to Jefferson Nursing program and study hard for the entrance exam. I never even considered Jefferson because I thought my grades werent good enough or my money wasn't long enough. What did this white woman see in me that I didn't see in myself. dame was I missing something. So I went back to my science GPA it was 3.2 not the best but I consider it pretty good when u think about how rough the classes are. I mean they make u wanna snap on somebody. The college told me that it wasn't that I wasn't a good candidate it simply meant that someone was better qualified. Dame again. So I'm not a lost cause and if I'm gonna give up off of 1 acceptance letter gone bad than maybe I didn't really want it after all. But I do so my mission is to find another nursing program that's accredited and worthy of my talents because lets face it I'm full of them. My boss will be thrilled to hear that I'm not going to Nursing school right now but what she doesn't know is that Gods delay is not a denial. I know for certain that I haven't been brought all this way for nothing and the end result is something that you are gonna definitely want to be a part of. I feel better now