Explosion

I feel like a broken record I keep going thru the same motions and certain situations seem like de-ja vu. I want better and I dont want to be angry but dame it the past hurts like hell. U seem to move on with your life like its all good but what about me. I still cry. I still hurt. I still an embarrised.Where do my feeling become vaild? Oh maybe when I act like I'm 19 and break out the windows to your car or go to ya work place and put ya ass on blast.All that sound really amusing but the sad thing is that I just cant be that young dumb impulsive girl that I once was. I wish I could becasue after some true ass showing I felt great. It might have looked insane from the outside but u can best believe I felt a true since of relief. This whole growing up process I havent accepted it so well, not that its optional. Maybe I'll exercise to let out some of the anger or go and spend to much money on some crap I dont need. Whats a beautiful mad focused yet easily distracted queen like myself to do. Yes I said queen because i dont think everybody understands just yet..

ME

I'm the oldest of my brothers and sister and the relationship I have with my family now seems strained and it hurts. Not just a little but sometimes I dont feel whole. Maybe its becasue I grew up in a very close nit family. I used to talk to my mother almost 3-4 times a day and now its close to never. When the fall out took place the reasoningn seemed justified and well desrved but now not so much. I hear people say, "Oh tomorrows not promised to anybody". But I feel so far away I feel like I cant go back and I know that couldnt be farther form tjhe truth but thats just how I feel in my heart of hearts..Time heals all wounds but how do you forgive and move forward. I heard Juanita Bynum on the radio yesterday and she was talkinf about all the things shes been thru and how God has continued to cover and bless her. She said that she went on a fast from the past. all the negativity and hurtful things of the past she fasted from. That literally took my breath away I'm thingking like if only I coyld do that maybe I wouldnt been so scared. I went to church today and the bishop said your are what u call yourself and if thats true that maybe another part of my growing concern. I'm a loving person I'd like to think but I feel like people have taken my kindness and truth for total granted and it hurts. I'm a motivator...but I cant motivated myself.........I'm a lover...but I struggle with loving myself enough..it's more than just thinking your cute....I speak truth..but I struggle with hearing it about myself...I'm a mother.....but I'm not really talking to my mother.......I'm a leader....but I struggle with allowing my husband to take the lead in our marriage..I'm a hope-giver..but when I need it I feel lost in which direction to go....Just for starters..its not that I don't know where my problems lye its just a matter of where in this mess shall I begin...My way doesn't seem to be working I'm gonna try GOD.

He stands on truth

MY PRINCE

&

RIDE OR DIE KID

Priceless

I wish my grandmother could've lived long enough to see an African American man elected as the president of the United States. I've never been ashamed of my race but there was a since of inferiority that I didn't realized existed until I heard the words Barack Obama is our 44th president of the United States. This is the same country that enslaved us and over time convinced people like myself that they were better than us. On nov 4th that whole idea of whites being better went right out the window. I now feel a since of pride. Our victory is that of champions. We had to fight for just about everything (the right to an education, the right to vote, the right to eat where the white people ate, the right to sit wherever we wanted on the bus).We are conquerors we were brought here as slaves and now we hold the highest office in the US. Now my boys see that you can be whatever you want and that there are no limits to how far you can go in this life. I've never been more excited in my life because my family got a chance to be part of history.

MY BABY BOY

They Hate

Jealousy
I never knew just how deep
it ran.Recently I've experienced lots of painful growing and I've noticed
that people want what Ihave. Is it the size of family? Maybe my paycheck..no maybe
its the fact that my hair curls up when most chicks napp up..It could be
that I'm married and dont have to play house I have a real (legal) husband. He's
not perfect but I must say I do have papers on him and he's upto date on all his
shots!!! I guess the things I do complain about are smal lthings to other people.
I've learned that u gotta be careful in who u share your real feelings with
because if your not the real hate will breed right under ya nose. Familys are
no exceptions..I continue to love but the difference now is that I'm loving AND
looking .

My family**

Why does it seem like nobody cares anymore. I'm from a huge family and at one time we were very close and now its a mess. I feel like it's just me and my cousin that seems to give a dame. If my grand were only here..none of this bulls#% would be taking place. We were raised to believe that when things got rough u always had your family but it's not the same. We used to have huge bar-b ques and birthday party out the ass. Now if u call a family meeting ( i have 13 aunts and uncles and God only knows how many cousins) why the hell are there only 4 people attending the meeting. I'm not going to let the attitudes of my family change my feelings of what our family should be. It's important to me and I refuse to let slackin' ass family members change my views on OUR family..

Family

The way I was raised family took care of family reguardless.But itseemstheolder I get the more my family member dont seem to care about one another. i mean Dame ifya brother is sick nurse him back (PERIOD)

When is enough..enough

How many times until you realize that its not going to work. How many tears shed, chairs thrown, yelling until your hoarse and shear embarrassment until u realize that its over and that certain things are better left alone. When you've given all u got and then someones given u an okay half ass' d effort its a real insult because I know and its seems that I'm not alone when I say I've been with someone who doesn't deserve me at all. He try s but the effort he puts is almost non-existent. I want so much more when it comes to relationships and I don't think certain people have the things that are needed to sustain certain marriages. Marriage is definitely for the grown and sexy not the ugly and insecure..LOL.. Take a deep breath and move forward and stop looking back is what I need to do . I am a strong woman. I just want to be adored and showered with love/attention/etc....Some men get it and others get left and go to mess up someones life. For all the underachievers in relationships this middle finger is solely for you!!!

B-ing Mommy

Today I took the boys to church and it wasn't easy. Joshua wan't a happy camper at all. Screaming and yelling the entire way...did I leave him in childrens church..ABSOLUTLY..When I picked him up after service he was a changed kid ( for the moment of course) he was so happy with his handful of projects he'd made during service. Its those little moments that make me so proud to be a mommy. Just tiny seconds that they make you smile and forget what bad thing they've just done.Or after a crazy day when they're sleeping and all else is complety silent, the sleeping child makes my heart tingle with warmth.It makes me want to wake them up and kiss them. Then I remember the clean-up downstairs that still waits for me compliments of my boys .My soon to be ten year old wants a cell phone for his birthday. I remember when he was the one kicking and screaming on the floor and now he wants a cell. I guess it's a good to see time go by when u have the ones you love most by your side. Theres pressure at times because I'm responsible for the type of men they become. Setting a decent example is starting to be more of a conscouise effort. Not only is the 10 yr old watching me CLOSELY now he's got questions.You gotta love him and I do with all that I am. Have a great week and be better today then u were yesterday.

FORWARD

To move forward you have to let go and forgive. Things that have happened in the past shouldn't guide or determine your future. Rather you should follow the path laid before you by God. i;m learning that road isn't all that easy but I'm positive its the road thats best for me. I'm learning to trust people again, you cant let one person change your heart off of some craziness. I'm blessed and highly favored.Who wouldn't want my life..lol

Believing

I've been told that healing depends on your faith..Today I witnessed first hand the power of prayer and the deliverance that comes along with it and believe me when I tell u it took my breath away.Something that I've struggled with for more than a year was taking away by the power of prayer. If you don't believe God for a miracle why would you expect one. I know that God wants to hear all of my issues and every detail, I think I'm learning how to seek Gods face with all that I do and continually praise his name. I love God and today was the first day in a long time that I actually said those words out of my mouth.Even through the hurt I knew that only God could bring me thru the storm that I'd got comfortable in..I confessed all my feelings and God answered me..Today I felt the power of his grace and forgiveness.Believing is a wonderful place to be.

Real Love

It's times like these that I wonder about real love and where does it actually live. i know things aren't like the movies but I'm sure it gets better than this. My heart is conflicted and it's really making me dizzy.

Happiness

How do you separate your happiness from that of your family's? After awhile I think it just all blends in together. At times a girl can begin to feel selfish because if shes not happy& she can't be of much help to her family.